Reflection

It has been a long time since I have written on this blog, for many reasons. But after what happened yesterday in Newtown, CT, I feel like I need to get everything I am feeling on the inside out of me somehow.

I am a mother. I have two babies. Babies that I grew from nothing into tiny miracles inside my body. When they were born, I wanted to somehow keep a piece of them inside me forever, thinking that it might somehow keep them safe from the big bad world. Every breath, every smile, every heartbeat, and every tear that comes from them also comes from me, and to me, as their mother. I feel love for them that I could never put into words, that I can hardly comprehend. I want them to have every dream come true, and I want them to experience every happiness. But, even on the best days I feel scared for them, for the things that I know can find them in this world. They are my heart, my soul, my breath, my life, and my future. They are my world and my everything. They are every good, kind, sweet, loving expression of humanism you could ever hope for. They are perfect. They are beautiful. They are innocent. My girls are just like your children, and I am sure you as parents feel the same way I do.

What happened yesterday to those children, families, teachers, administrators, and community members is horrific. I watched it unfold from the very first news report and sobbed alone in my living room for hours, unable to turn it off. I allowed myself to give into the grief, to feel the emotions that came to me as a parent. I buried my face in the sweet, soft folds of my babies' necks, breathed in their innocence and peace. I found strength in their bliss and happiness. I laughed through my tears as they played and went on, pure and untouched by this tragedy. And I felt the surge of a mother's love and fierce need to protect, as my beautiful 2 year old ran a finger down my cheek and asked "why mommy crying?"

My answer to her was, "because I love you so much and I am so grateful to be your mommy."

I can never begin to imagine what it must feel like to experience the kind of loss that is resonating through that town right now. To be a mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, or friend to one of those victims. All I can do is pray for them and hope that somewhere, somehow, peace can exist in their lives again someday.

Last night as I gazed at the Christmas stockings hanging over our fireplace and read the names of my daughters embroidered on those stockings, I felt a fresh wave of grief for those families that will never again fill a Christmas stocking for their child. Who have piles of lovingly wrapped gifts that will never be opened. Who have little clothes and books and toys and photos and memories and love scattered all over their homes and hearts that in an instant went from causing joy and smiles to bringing unthinkable pain and sorrow. Who must somehow find a way to go on after having their hearts explode inside them and their world shattered into a million pieces. I can't fathom what they feel today. I hope I never have to.

Someday my babies will want to walk away from me. They will want to play alone, go to school, to friend's houses, movie theaters, malls and parks. They will want to learn to drive. They will want to travel, to get on an airplane without me and go to another city, another country, and experience life. And as painful as it is, I will have to let them. I will have to trust them with my heart as they make their own choices and decisions, as they write their own stories. I will be proud of them. But every second they are away from me, until my last breath, I will fear for them. Being a parent is constant joy and constant sorrow all at the same time. It is wonderful and beautiful and terrifying. It is so much more than I ever anticipated.

All I can do for those families in Connecticut is pray and put love into the universe. I can hug and kiss my babies. I can remind myself that even the worst moments I have as a parent are moments to be grateful for, because there are so many parents that would give anything for those moments to be returned to them. I can take deeper breaths and find more patience with my daughters when they need me to. I can remember to be in the moment with them. And I can remember that with life also comes death, with joy also comes sorrow, and with hope also comes fear. Yesterday reminded me to never take for granted the blessings that are in my life. To never take for granted the sticky kisses and hugs from my girls, the sound of their laughter and joy, the feel of their breath on my neck. Today I am so thankful to be a mother, to have been chosen for this gift of unconditional love from my babies, and to be able to recognize how truly miraculous they are. I will hold them close as long as I can, and when I have to let them go, my heart will go with them. My thoughts and prayers are with those families whose hearts have left them forever.

I Was Cleaner When I Was Camping.

Since having my second child, things have gone to hell in a handbasket regarding personal grooming and maintenance. Sads all around for me. Keeping both of these girls clean, dry, fed, and clothed is seriously the most full-time job ever. I don't have time to read, eat, pee, or breathe, so I offer this post as an explanation of why it is that you practically can't see my eyes because my eyebrows are so out of control.

Having two children means this:

1. you will shower once a week if you are lucky. also, rubbing yourself with a baby wipe will start to constitute "showering." fortunately for me, I only go places where there are other, equally as unshowered, moms who don't care or notice my earthy odor and greasy hair. thanks ladies.

2. manis and pedis are not even in my reality at all. I can't get to a salon, and if CC even THINKS I am getting the nail polishes out, they immediately become hers and she squirrels them away into her playtent with all the other stuff that used to be mine which is now hers. including my cell phone most of the time, so if I never call you back, now you know why.

3. you will wear the same outfit every day because it is easily accessible on the floor next to the bed, or because you slept in it to save time getting dressed. you will change only when hubby makes a judgy remark about how "that shirt is really getting a workout, don't you think?"

4. you will spend all you money on things that promise to entertain your older, more demanding child, rather than on wax, hair dye, stylists, nail polish, and new clothes. it will be worth it if even one of those things keeps her out of the bathroom long enough for you to pee by yourself. trust me.

I love my girls, but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It is summer and I need me some pretty toes! Perhaps it is time to start interviewing babysitters...

"As long as Mommy still brushes my hair, I'm cool. At least one of us should look good!"

Do-Over!

So I suck. I know. I tried to so hard to be a good blogger, but alas, I totally stopped and totally have absolutely no good excuse for it. But, it has come to my attention recently that people have still been checking my blog and hoping for new posts, so we are going to be attempting a DO-OVER! Yes, just like in mini golf! What this means is that I will be posting again, and trying hard not to suck as bad as I did last time.

If you are a silent blog reader, keep checking back, because you are getting a sneak peek at the do-over. If, and only if, I can manage to post at a somewhat respectable rate of 3 posts per week (setting goals is important!), then I will start posting them to facebook again, and try to build my readership back up. Bill says this blog and writing in general was a good outlet for me and made me less crazy in the head. so, we'll see if he is right! Because the thing is, now I have TWO children and they are trying to kill me slowly.

Here are a few things that are going on around here that you can expect to hear about in the near future:

1. My new baby who is 2 1/2 months old. She is awesome. Although not as good at sleeping as I would like. We're working on it...

2. CC's 2 year molars are coming in. KILL ME NOW.

3. I got a new car this week. It is completely rad.

4. Game of Thrones. I still have to watch the season finale. Then we can discuss.

5. Also Teen Mom, and True Blood. You know me. You know things like this never change!

love you guys. thanks for sticking with me :)

"Just because my mom is a lazy blogger does not mean I am turning down my diva dial. DIVA 4 LIFE."

Pregnancy Update - 26 Weeks!

This weekly updating is starting to stress me out, as we have rounded the corner and are now more than halfway to our due date of March 30! Holy cow. That means soon my world will be completely rocked AGAIN by a tiny morsel of sweetness who has not yet learned the beauty of sleeping for long periods of time. This is something that CC mastered by like 8 weeks, so hopefully, this new one will follow in her big sister's footsteps. We were encouraged at our last ultrasound when she fell asleep near the end and refused to wake up again and move for a measurement no matter how many times the tech poked and prodded her. That's my girl. Let her sleep!

So our last update was at 20 weeks, and this week I am 26 weeks! So sorry if you were checking all the time hoping for an update. I have sleeping and eating to do, and CC keeps trying to break the computer.

Size of Baby: This week TheBump says she is the size of an eggplant. Meh. Eggplant is kind of gross if you ask me, but the color IS lovely, so I guess we'll go with it. And, come to think of it, I do occasionally enjoy a helping of eggplant parm, but that may be more about the cheese and breading than anything else. Now I am thinking a trip to the Olive Garden is in order...

"would someone please come over to my house and make this for me?"

Symptoms and Other Random Pregnancy Tidbits: I want to die from heartburn. I know I said I wouldn't talk about it anymore, but it makes me want to cry. UGH. I drink so much milk it is ridiculous, and avoid acidic foods like the plague. But it still tries to kill me every day. Also, my ribs hurt. And I can't breathe very well. And my back feels like it is going to give out any second from hauling CC around. I feel like I did last time at around 8 months pregnant. The trouble is, I am only 6 months pregnant so I guess it is going to be a LONG 3rd trimester!

I have been craving chocolate milkshakes, which I think is more of a heartburn thing and less of a pregnancy craving thing, but we'll go with it. I am also totally overdoing it on peppermint anything, somewhat because of the holiday season, but mostly because I know that once this baby comes and I am nursing again, it is adios peppermint for awhile. It kills your milk supply. Look it up.

Since we are headed into Christmas weekend, I will wish you all a very merry holiday and leave you with a list of some things I hope to share in the next couple weeks. I am trying hard to push myself to keep up with this blog better, so maybe a little accountability won't hurt? MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Upcoming Blog Posts:

our recent trip to California where I drank my weight in horchata

CC's newest attitude problems

my obsession with The Hunger Games

some new recipes that I am making repeatedly because they are so TASTY

a tour of CC's closet, which is shamefully out-of-control. THANK GOD we're having another girl!

"And what attitude problem might YOU be speaking of? No one will believe you anyway Mommy. I mean, have you seen how cute I am?"

Pregnancy Update - 20 Weeks!

I realize I am about five days late posting this. Sorry. Let's all blame CC. She's the troublemaker of the house anyway. So you get TWO preggy updates this week instead of just one! You are welcome, as I know this makes everyone's day.

Baby C is halfway cooked!! And boy, is she a mover and a shaker! She still seems to have plenty of room for her womb acrobatics and when she is awake, she takes full advantage of all that space. I think she must realize that she is growing fast and soon she won't be able to move around very much at all. I'm enjoying this part because she can't quite deliver major kicks to my major organs, but I can still feel her moving. Its a big win for everyone!

Size of Baby: This week she is a cantaloupe! Which is ridiculous, since it is most definitely not melon season here in New Hampshire. Although we have been in the middle of a semi-heat wave, which is weird because it is two weeks from Thanksgiving...

"nicely illustrates my knife skillz"

I sort of feel that it is silly to compare her to a cantaloupe since it is fall, so we are going to go with a more appropriate and localized food here:

"mini-squash baby!"

Acorn squash. It is freaking delicious. And these days, I am all about EATING. So, go buy one of these and scoop out the middle, and then fill it with nuts and butter and brown sugar and maybe some chopped apples. Then roast it up and eat with a spoon. NOM. And try to forget that I just compared it to MY BABY while you are chomping away.

Pregnancy Cravings and Other Relevant Stuff: The other day Bill was all, "when did you get so PREGNANT?" Really Bill? Where have you been? I take that to mean that my belly continues to grow and look more grande by the minute. I am definitely wearing maternity shirts now, although some of them are big and silly looking, but not as silly as how I look whilst wearing non-maternity shirts. 

"finally wearing an appropriately sized shirt"

The cravings are weird this time around. I like steak and all, but I have almost never cooked it at home and in the last few weeks I have made it every week. I have steak in my fridge right now as a matter of fact. I pan-fry two ribeye steaks and then whip up a little whiskey cream sauce in the pan with all the steaky bits and juices. If Bill is being courteous to me that day I let him have one of the steaks. I also make garlic sauteed spinach with them and eat ALL OF IT. Again, this is not the norm for me. I could eat that garlic spinach ALL DAY LONG. So good. The trick here is to use lots of garlic and olive oil. Obviously.

I am also having a scandalous love affair with the mint hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. It caused me to break-up with the salted caramel mocha from Starbucks. Luckily, the minty love from DD is much cheaper, so I don't think Bill will be too mad.

One last thing about being pregnant that I found amusing this past week. I went up to UNH to meet up with some family friends who were taking a tour and we had lunch at the dining hall. Let me just tell you that showing up at a college campus with a baby, while visibly pregnant, totally made me feel like Teen Mom. People were staring and I assume I looked like some kind of cautionary tale illustrating what happens when you do too many kegstands at a frat party during Homecoming. It was a good moment for me, since I love Teen Mom and I assumed the stares were because I look young and sassy enough to still be a nineteen-year old college freshman, rather than a haggard, preggy, mom type who got lost on her way to the dorm where her oldest child lives. 

The all-you-can-eat dining hall setup was pretty sweet too.

See you Friday for Week 21!

"which way to Grandpa Bob's house? he'll give me some candy. plus he has a sweet hot tub."

Never Doubt A Mother's Intuition!

As many of you found out over the weekend via my facebook page, we discovered on Friday that we are having a BABY GIRL! My dad lasted until Saturday morning. So now the world gets to know!

I have to say that I never doubted that it would be another girl. So much so that I may have bought new girl stuff that is way too small for CC in previous weeks. I thought GIRL for the following reasons.

1. Death sickness for many, many weeks of early pregnancy. I was so so so sick. I know you all know this. They say that girls make you sicker than boys. I was just as sick with CC. And everything else about the pregnancy felt exactly the same. So I said early on that it must be another girl and that my daughters start out their tiny lives by trying to drive me insane. I assume it will get worse as they get older...

2. Dreams and life visions. I just never was able to get my head around the idea of a boy. I could not see myself with a boy, I could not think of boy names, I could not visualize our life with a boy in it. I think this was my inner self telling me not to bother because I was full of estrogen. It was always very easy to visualize girls and girl stuff and girl names. This all might be total crap, but it definitely is part of why I thought both of my babies were girls before knowing for sure.

3. The hairline test. I found this business online where I get all of my important information. Check it out. It works LIKE MAGIC! However, it only works if you already have one child. Sorry first timers!

Secret Gender Prediction Trick!

Bill reacted to the news of another baby girl with the following statement. "OH MY GOD. I have to pay for two weddings. And mow the lawn for the rest of my life." Bill tends to be slightly dramatic and had to sit down in the ultrasound room, then made a big deal of googling adoption websites and talking about what country could provide him with the largest boys to help him with yardwork and roofing. I told him to stop being sexist and just teach our daughters how to do that crap.

Anyway, we are totally thrilled, and I am especially excited because not only do I get to keep and reuse all of my adorable baby girl clothes ( and you KNOW there are SO MANY!!), because these two will be in opposite sizes in opposite seasons I also get to buy NEW STUFF! I have already started. You know this. 

Thanks for all the excitement and well wishes!! We could not be happier!

"Like I would have put up with a boy sharing my room. Also, being the big sister is going to be awesome. I'M THE BOSS NOW."

Pregnancy Update - 19 Weeks!

Ahhhh. This is the nice time in pregnancy. The baby is still small enough to not be causing any major discomfort to my inner self, I can eat mad amounts of food and not feel bad about it, I look pregnant but not orca fat, and people like to do nice things for me, like carry things up and down the stairs so I don't "strain myself." Too bad CC does not exercise this same concern for my well-being and sanity when she wants to be carried up and down the stairs all freaking day long!

This past week, little Baby C. has been kicking like crazy!!! It is awesome to finally be at this point; it was my favorite thing last time and I have a feeling it will be again. I could spend hours poking at my belly looking for little feet and kicks. I just love feeling that baby grooving around in there!

So this week we have...

Size of Baby: a mango!

"ummmm. maybe not this Mango? although, a J.Lo baby would be cool because then we would be RICH."

"those look delicious, but since I'm pregnant..."

"there we go! delicious mango baby!"

Sorry. That was a serious mango digression! Anyway, baby is growing like crazy, kicking like crazy, and generally getting bigger and squishier and cuter every day! I am starting to be very curious about how different or similar this baby will be to CC. I also hope this one sleeps like she does. Let's all hope for that okay?

Size of Belly: I feel silly updating this every week so from now on, no more of this. Obviously I am getting bigger. And will continue to do so until I can't hoist myself out of bed or walk without waddling like a sow. Good times.

My Symptoms and Cravings: I still have heartburn. We'll call this a given at this point and stop talking about it. Just do me a big favor and enjoy all your yummy treats and delicious water and tangy cranberry juice that you get to have whenever you want without fear of fiery retribution. The one thing that is especially difficult is that it is winter and the air is super dry in our house, and I wake up feeling SO THIRSTY I MUST DRINK WATER RIGHT NOW, but then I chug half a bottle of water seeking relief from my dry dry mouth and then I want to cry because the water tries to kill me with devil fire. No one is winning here. Except maybe CC, but she usually wins.

In terms of cravings, this past week I got it into my head that I really wanted some Cherry Coke, and I could not rest until I had a case of it in my house. I made a special trip to the store with my cart-hating child and everything. It is delicious, and obviously full of healthy vitamins and minerals. Also I have been craving eggs, which is weird because at the beginning of both pregnancies they grossed me out to the point where I would gag thinking about them. I think it has something to do with knowing that the baby comes from an egg and at that point still kind of resembles an egg. Extra gag. Anyway, now they are yummy and I dig them. 

Sometime very soon we are going in for our ultrasound!!! However, it seems that my father does not want to know the sex of his grandchild, so I may not be able to reveal it here. Take it up with him. Bill and I are operating under the belief that he won't be able to handle the suspense and that at some point he will beg to know, especially since we will know! We'll see though. He can be a stubborn guy for sure. Love you Daddy!

In a side note, my new little nephew Colin was born yesterday to Bill's sister and her husband, and we are going to meet him later today!! Since we have to be at the hospital anyway...(wink!). I am so excited to have this little guy here finally (although probably not as excited as my SIL!), and hopefully he will be good training for CC in terms of learning to share all the attention. Right?

See you next week for the halftime show!

"My cat posse and I feel that there is too much baby talk going on here. Babies are ruining my life. Also, can we get another cat?"