Saturday, December 15, 2012


It has been a long time since I have written on this blog, for many reasons. But after what happened yesterday in Newtown, CT, I feel like I need to get everything I am feeling on the inside out of me somehow.

I am a mother. I have two babies. Babies that I grew from nothing into tiny miracles inside my body. When they were born, I wanted to somehow keep a piece of them inside me forever, thinking that it might somehow keep them safe from the big bad world. Every breath, every smile, every heartbeat, and every tear that comes from them also comes from me, and to me, as their mother. I feel love for them that I could never put into words, that I can hardly comprehend. I want them to have every dream come true, and I want them to experience every happiness. But, even on the best days I feel scared for them, for the things that I know can find them in this world. They are my heart, my soul, my breath, my life, and my future. They are my world and my everything. They are every good, kind, sweet, loving expression of humanism you could ever hope for. They are perfect. They are beautiful. They are innocent. My girls are just like your children, and I am sure you as parents feel the same way I do.

What happened yesterday to those children, families, teachers, administrators, and community members is horrific. I watched it unfold from the very first news report and sobbed alone in my living room for hours, unable to turn it off. I allowed myself to give into the grief, to feel the emotions that came to me as a parent. I buried my face in the sweet, soft folds of my babies' necks, breathed in their innocence and peace. I found strength in their bliss and happiness. I laughed through my tears as they played and went on, pure and untouched by this tragedy. And I felt the surge of a mother's love and fierce need to protect, as my beautiful 2 year old ran a finger down my cheek and asked "why mommy crying?"

My answer to her was, "because I love you so much and I am so grateful to be your mommy."

I can never begin to imagine what it must feel like to experience the kind of loss that is resonating through that town right now. To be a mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, or friend to one of those victims. All I can do is pray for them and hope that somewhere, somehow, peace can exist in their lives again someday.

Last night as I gazed at the Christmas stockings hanging over our fireplace and read the names of my daughters embroidered on those stockings, I felt a fresh wave of grief for those families that will never again fill a Christmas stocking for their child. Who have piles of lovingly wrapped gifts that will never be opened. Who have little clothes and books and toys and photos and memories and love scattered all over their homes and hearts that in an instant went from causing joy and smiles to bringing unthinkable pain and sorrow. Who must somehow find a way to go on after having their hearts explode inside them and their world shattered into a million pieces. I can't fathom what they feel today. I hope I never have to.

Someday my babies will want to walk away from me. They will want to play alone, go to school, to friend's houses, movie theaters, malls and parks. They will want to learn to drive. They will want to travel, to get on an airplane without me and go to another city, another country, and experience life. And as painful as it is, I will have to let them. I will have to trust them with my heart as they make their own choices and decisions, as they write their own stories. I will be proud of them. But every second they are away from me, until my last breath, I will fear for them. Being a parent is constant joy and constant sorrow all at the same time. It is wonderful and beautiful and terrifying. It is so much more than I ever anticipated.

All I can do for those families in Connecticut is pray and put love into the universe. I can hug and kiss my babies. I can remind myself that even the worst moments I have as a parent are moments to be grateful for, because there are so many parents that would give anything for those moments to be returned to them. I can take deeper breaths and find more patience with my daughters when they need me to. I can remember to be in the moment with them. And I can remember that with life also comes death, with joy also comes sorrow, and with hope also comes fear. Yesterday reminded me to never take for granted the blessings that are in my life. To never take for granted the sticky kisses and hugs from my girls, the sound of their laughter and joy, the feel of their breath on my neck. Today I am so thankful to be a mother, to have been chosen for this gift of unconditional love from my babies, and to be able to recognize how truly miraculous they are. I will hold them close as long as I can, and when I have to let them go, my heart will go with them. My thoughts and prayers are with those families whose hearts have left them forever.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I Was Cleaner When I Was Camping.

Since having my second child, things have gone to hell in a handbasket regarding personal grooming and maintenance. Sads all around for me. Keeping both of these girls clean, dry, fed, and clothed is seriously the most full-time job ever. I don't have time to read, eat, pee, or breathe, so I offer this post as an explanation of why it is that you practically can't see my eyes because my eyebrows are so out of control.

Having two children means this:

1. you will shower once a week if you are lucky. also, rubbing yourself with a baby wipe will start to constitute "showering." fortunately for me, I only go places where there are other, equally as unshowered, moms who don't care or notice my earthy odor and greasy hair. thanks ladies.

2. manis and pedis are not even in my reality at all. I can't get to a salon, and if CC even THINKS I am getting the nail polishes out, they immediately become hers and she squirrels them away into her playtent with all the other stuff that used to be mine which is now hers. including my cell phone most of the time, so if I never call you back, now you know why.

3. you will wear the same outfit every day because it is easily accessible on the floor next to the bed, or because you slept in it to save time getting dressed. you will change only when hubby makes a judgy remark about how "that shirt is really getting a workout, don't you think?"

4. you will spend all you money on things that promise to entertain your older, more demanding child, rather than on wax, hair dye, stylists, nail polish, and new clothes. it will be worth it if even one of those things keeps her out of the bathroom long enough for you to pee by yourself. trust me.

I love my girls, but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It is summer and I need me some pretty toes! Perhaps it is time to start interviewing babysitters...

"As long as Mommy still brushes my hair, I'm cool. At least one of us should look good!"

Thursday, June 14, 2012


So I suck. I know. I tried to so hard to be a good blogger, but alas, I totally stopped and totally have absolutely no good excuse for it. But, it has come to my attention recently that people have still been checking my blog and hoping for new posts, so we are going to be attempting a DO-OVER! Yes, just like in mini golf! What this means is that I will be posting again, and trying hard not to suck as bad as I did last time.

If you are a silent blog reader, keep checking back, because you are getting a sneak peek at the do-over. If, and only if, I can manage to post at a somewhat respectable rate of 3 posts per week (setting goals is important!), then I will start posting them to facebook again, and try to build my readership back up. Bill says this blog and writing in general was a good outlet for me and made me less crazy in the head. so, we'll see if he is right! Because the thing is, now I have TWO children and they are trying to kill me slowly.

Here are a few things that are going on around here that you can expect to hear about in the near future:

1. My new baby who is 2 1/2 months old. She is awesome. Although not as good at sleeping as I would like. We're working on it...

2. CC's 2 year molars are coming in. KILL ME NOW.

3. I got a new car this week. It is completely rad.

4. Game of Thrones. I still have to watch the season finale. Then we can discuss.

5. Also Teen Mom, and True Blood. You know me. You know things like this never change!

love you guys. thanks for sticking with me :)

"Just because my mom is a lazy blogger does not mean I am turning down my diva dial. DIVA 4 LIFE."