Friday, June 24, 2011

Is Anyone Ever Ready?

I know this may sound like a "poor me" post, but the truth is, I am feeling super sad about turning down the job I was offered yesterday. I know in my heart that I am not ready for full-time daycare for CC; I am not ready to hand her over for 40 hours a week to a stranger and then drive away. I know this. I do. But I am devastated over missing out on the kind of opportunity I would have had with this job. The people I met during the interview process were amazing. The school was a perfect fit. And, the feeling of being chosen after a year at home as the best candidate, even when they knew I wasn't sure, was amazing. I would have kicked butt next year if I had taken the job. I would have continued to hone my classroom guidance skills, I would have helped kids in so many ways, and I would have contributed everything I had to making my year there one that left a lasting impression on the school and the students. But I said no. It was such an incredibly difficult decision that I don't know if I am ever going to feel 100% sure that I did the right thing.

I did not make this decision all on my own. Obviously there was a great deal of discussion on the homefront, but the truth is that what really started to sway me is the number of working moms I talked to that told me they would quit their jobs if they could to stay home with their babies. I am so lucky to have this option available to me. I know that. And I am in awe of those moms who go back to work whatever the reason. You are braver than I am, and I know that you struggled with your decision as much as I struggled with mine.

Some of you know that we worked hard to have CC. It was a long process to get her here and I always said I wanted to stay home with her as long as I possibly could, because I didn't go through everything I did to have her only to miss out on her babyhood. And I have the privilege now to do just that. But I never anticipated that I would feel as though something else were missing from my life because I am not working. I am worried that the longer I stay out of the field, the harder it will be to get back in, I worry that I am sacrificing part of myself in order to be everything to my child. And, I worry that CC is missing out on her own experiences away from me because I want to be with her. But I believe that I made the right choice yesterday. I just did not expect to feel so much loss from making that decision.

I know CC is still just a tiny bird and that there are so many years ahead of us where she will be out on her own, learning and growing into herself without me there to soak it all in. I know that this time is a gift and that I am incredibly fortunate to be able to stay home with her. I know all this and I know that right now the best thing for all of us is for me to be home with her. Closing a door is always sad, and always makes me think about what could have been. This time I guess I'll just never know.

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